normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
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If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.