Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
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If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
According to math, I’m broke
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.