We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
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5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
The pen is writier than the sword.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied