Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
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[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you