Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
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If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.