Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
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Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
mechanics be like
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Um … Hot Wings please
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*