[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
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“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body