Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
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This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.