I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
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Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
and this one
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.