i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
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Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day