Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
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Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future