Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
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Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.