Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
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why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.