What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
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Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.