I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
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somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED