remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
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“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.