My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
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people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Why am I like this?
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.