“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
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PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
ugh not again
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
You got this…
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.