[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
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nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa