Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
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(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
🤭😂
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Jogging
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
also my go-to takeaway order
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!