I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
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Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.