If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
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God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel