I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
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6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Jurassic park gets weird
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds