[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
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I wish I could veto my bills.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.