There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
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“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
You had me at “define legal”.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”