It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
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broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Aaaa…CHOO!
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”