You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
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Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Childbirth is so beautiful
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.