If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
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If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip