Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
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[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
New menu item
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,