The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
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If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
This meeting could have been a cake
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?