The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
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Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining