most whales are bigger than a strawberry
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Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”