All of my best ideas involve jail time.
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A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.