Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
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I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
#winning
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody