Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
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I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
called in thicc to work this morning