5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
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Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Weighing up my bread heating options
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.