Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
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When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
and this one
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”