When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
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Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
these two trucks have the same bed length
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.