Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
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Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.