I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
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The “baby” on the left….
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.