the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
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This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Dune (2021)
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Okay