People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
You Might Also Like
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.