HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
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Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
they split up moments later
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.