Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
You Might Also Like
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
This 4th of July, please remember…
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
☺️
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.