Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
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this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates