No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
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If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no