If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
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I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.