Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
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Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Awwwww shit.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
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1. Be young.
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The biggest mystery of our time
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
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