Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
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Lmfao
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Best seat on the street 😍
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
*praying for world peace*
God:
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster