If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
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You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Gemma Correll
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years